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Thread: The beginnings of my writings {compiled}

  1. #1
    Senior Member Ruin-Tumult's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2007
    Gallia County, Ohio

    Post The beginnings of my writings {compiled}

    This is a compilation of some works I've been writing, and I would like for you guys to read it. I don't know what to name it yet, nor the main characters, but if you could rate it and submit you'r own feedback, i'd appreciate it. Here goes:
    A long, low tremble shifted his consious into awareness. As he sat up, he looked heaven bound, he gazed upon the thick, dark clouds as they traveled across the skies. "Looks like rain will be expected..." He spoken outloud to himself. Casting his quilt away, he stood up to better examine the clouds before him.
    The man had thick, black hair that reached his shoulders, and usually hung inward towards his face, obten obstructing his vision. He gave the appearance of a ghost, with dark bags under his pink eyes and his white complexion. His hair contrasted greatly with is face, and often appeared to be a curtain hiding the truth behind. The man's skin was as pale as fresh snow, the color of alabaster.
    He often wore dark colors, usually dark green, black and red, which befitted the ghoulish outlook. The dark colors helped draw attention from his alabaster skin, which drew common attention. He had no possessions, except the clothes he wore, the quilt that kept him warm, and the medallion he wore around his neck. The medallion was a simple steel key bound by the handle, and set in the handle was a single gem of onyx.
    The man stood in the tower of a local church, where he slept. He timed his irregular schedule to the ringing of the church bell that hung from the rafters. Be gone before the first toll of the morning; be back after the last toll in the afternoon.
    A young woman pushed open the blinds of her bedroom, casting the low, gentle light of the morning into her room. The light casted her features into knowledge, and gave her an aura of beauty.
    She had long, brown hair that reached below the small of her back, and was often needing to be tended to. Her hair was usually held with a tie in the back, which allowed her to keep her vision clear. She held herself with a set notion of pride and honor,and kept a position of balanced politeness. She had eyes that seemed to view past you, into the unknown, and were the color of a bright olive green. At the moment, she wore her nightgown, a gentle blend of white, blue and pink.
    "Dear, rain must be coming." She spoken outloud, unsure of what to expect. "I was hoping I could visit the East Quarter today..." She shrugged her shoulders in a manner of disapointment, then turned her back to the window. As she crossed the bedroom, reaching her cabinet, a knock became audible on her door, and soon, a middle aged man came into her room, holding a silver plate, with a pot of coffee and a set of coffee cups.
    "Ma'am, I have for you you'r morning coffee, if you wish." The servant spoken, setting the plate onto a nearby table. Turning towards the window, he muttered, more to himself than to her "Oh dear, look at those clouds. I guess I don't have to water the roses today, then." He said this last bit with a slight smile on his face, a smile showing his disapointment, for he loved the rose fields, and would find excuses to spend his mornings out watering the roses.
    "Albert, silly you. If you wish to water the roses so much, why don't you just carry a bucket with you when the rain falls?" She spoken towards him, her attention towards the cabinet. Opening the foremost drawer, she pulled out a single golden key, bound by a light goldish-brown thread. In the handle was a single gem of ruby.
    "Ma'am, why do you insist wearing that absurd key? The thing must be a wear on you'r neck, and you haven't found the lock to go to the key yet, have you?" Albert nagged, shaking his head.
    "Why, Albert, if I didn't test the key in every new lock I find, than I shall never find the lock this key goes for. Besides," She added, "This key is a fabulous item of beauty, and I adore it."
    "Ah, then if you must." He grinned towards her, admitting defeat in the smile. "So be it. Remember, you'll be joining the Hallard party after tea time, and you'll be going to that new theatre that opened up. I heard they're playing one of my favorite plays."
    "Yes, Albert. I shall not forget." She said, her back still turned to him. Turning in his direction, she asked out "So, are you wishing to stay and watch me dress for the theatre?"
    "N-n-no, of course not, my dear!" He stammered, growing red. Standing, he briskly grabbed the plate on the table, and headed out the door, closing it behind him.
    Darkness filled up the room, keeping the contents secret. On the cot, a figure snored in a soft, gentle breath, and he suddenly rolled over, pulling the blankets up towards his chin. A quite, unsteady knock rung on the door, and an even quieter voice floated into the room "Hello? Are you still awake?". A few moments passed, and the door handle opened up, and a young maid entered the room. Stolling across the room, she opened up the curtains, casting the room into light. Immediately, the man in the cot grunted, and sat up with a start. The maid immediately glown red, and turned her back towards him. "I-I-I'm sorry, sir, I did not know you were still sleeping."
    "It's...alright..." He yawned, stretching his arms out from him as he did so. "Young Lady, what time is it?"
    "Sir, it has almost struck noon."
    The young man jumped at this, and grunted his shock. "Darn it! I will be late if I don't hurry up!" He leaped from his bed, and immediately began to gather to him the clothes he set out.
    The man was a reasonable height, and had a fit, slim body. He had hair as thick and dark as the maid's, and it reached his lower back. His hair color resembled the color of ink, and was often curling itself at the ends. His hair was kept free, and usually swung in any way the movement of either him or the wind directed it. He wore from his neck an old, worn key made from iron, and set in the handle was a stone of aquamarine. His eyes were the most pequliar parts of his body, as his left eye was the color of faint clear blue, and his right was the color of the aquamarine stone in his key. He had the beginning's of a beard, and it grew in any manner it wished.
    As he jumped into his pants, he stumbled and fell into the wall, cursing under his breath. The maid heard this, and turned half-hearted towards him. "Sir, if I may-"
    "No, you may not. I'm fine, I just stumbled, is all." He was quickly turning scarlet, and finally managed himself into his pants. Pulling on a tunic of his, a tunic of blue and black, and over this he wore a coat of his kin: a simple coat that held his surname crest in the back and on the left breast, and the coat sported the colors of blue, violet and black. he headed out of the room, leaving the maid out behind him.
    "He is late, Rachel." The young woman spoken to her younger sister. The young woman was sitting on a seat close to her window, and beside her her younger sister sat, holding onto a soft teddy bear. "He's late, as always."
    The young woman, although sitting, was a medium height, and had brownish-blond hair. She let her hair fall free at the moment, but she often did random actions with her hair, such as pulling it back, wearing a plait in it, or braiding it. Her brilliant, crystaline blue eyes shined with anxiousness, and she fidgeted in her seat, desperate for him to show up. She began to twist her right index finger in her hair, an odd habit of hers since childhood. She grasped the key around her neck, which was made from silver, and had a pearl resting in the handle.
    "Sissy, why don't you scold him for being so late?" Rachel asked her older sister. Rachel looked almost identical to her older sister, save the ten years difference. She could pass for her older sister's daughter. "I like watching you embarrass him, Sissy."
    The elder sister laughed, and kissed Rachel on the forehead. "Of course you do, Rachel. I enjoy making him squirm, sometimes, too." She giggled at the prospect of him blushing, and this image made her miss him even more. "Ooh, I just wish he would come soon." She finished, looking out. As she gazed out the window, her younger sister climbed into her lap, and wrapped her arms around her teddy bear, hugging the bear he had given her. "He is nice, though, Sissy." Rachel spoken to her elder sister, looking up at him. "But he's a major dork, too."
    The elder of the two laughs at this comment, and looks downward at Rachel. "What makes you say that, Rachel?" She asks.
    "Well," Rachel asks, rolling her head back as in a way of saying oh, boy, do I have to explain this?, "When he slips up in speaking, and he blubbers on for a full minute before stopping." She flips her index finger up and down on her bottom lip, making a blubbery sound at this. "When he trips, and takes forever to fall down." She stands at this, and imitates him falling, and she stumbles, waves her arms, then falls on her butt, laughing. "And when he tries to romantic, all he says is cheesy lines and an occasional line of beauty." At this she opens her mouth, but her older sister places her hand over mouth.
    "Okay, Rachel. I get it, alright?" She laughs. "He is a dork, but I love him. You do have to admit, though: he is a dork in a cool way, and cool in a dorky way."
    "Sissy, that made no sense at all." Rachel says, gently rolling her finger towards her elder sister. "Next time you give him a compliment, make sure it doesn't sound so stupid, okay?"
    "Why you-!" The elder sister laughs, and gets up to chase her sister when a knock hits her door. Its the familiar knock she recognizes; a set of two, a brief pause, then a set of three. "He's here!" She calls out to her younger sister, who is already running towards the door. Rachel reaches the door first, unclaps the lock, and wrenches the door open, leaping in joy at the familiar man at the doorstop.

    Quote Originally Posted by KazeCloud
    Barges in*
    Hey guys. I want to argue about falling off the face of the earth.

  2. #2
    ***** Elder slashbomb's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Somewhere in the World


    good narration although I couldn't see any rising/falling action, or a climax to this story. I think this story would be better if u titled it so u get a better setting of the story.

    seems like a sad tone rainy day coming, something bad will happen but so far, the introduction doesnt seem to have a setting. where is she? what time is it? i think this compliation takes place in the middle of something there i can tell your not finished yet. a women is waiting in her room for the man to introduce him to her sister?. but still we don't know who these characters are.

    But since you've said you couldnt include it, I think u should start. overall, good complication although i found it more like a sad story. the tone i dont know if it will amaze the readers, i couldnt find it interesting but overall, good.

    I like to thank Frogman for making my awesome sig!

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