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Thread: Little something I whipped up...

  1. #1
    I'm Back...Kinda hellsing293's Avatar
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    Default Little something I whipped up...

    We had English class on Halloween and when we walked in we were asked to set the scene of a creepy/scary setting. Basically a Halloween setting.

    A sea of sheer darkness engulfed me entirely as I anxiously strode the desolate dirt trail. The comfort of a sole source of light I was unafforded. I could sense cold, lifeless eyes piercing me, dormant souls shadowing my steps. This place loomed of despair and sorrow. Blackened, twisting trees hung low overhead, skeletons of their former selves. They pleaded the journeyer recant his thoughts of entering and turn back immediately. Stone sentinels which foretold of death lined the path.

    A dense fog wetted the back of my neck like the breath of a hideous monster right behind me waiting to strike. My cold, silent breaths were the single signs of life I could detect. I was shivering, from cold or fear I do not know. Minute whispers of wind bit my skin. The dead grass, consumed by frost, crinkled and snapped under my cautious stride. The frozen ground I walked upon was hard and uninviting, not unlike anything else in this lifeless pit. Each second was an eternity, and each step an infinite universe apart. All my senses were irrelevant and nothing was apparent to me. My sole objective was to escape this wretched place.


    So, what do you think? Wrote this in about 15 minutes in English class.

  2. #2

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    It's allright for a mere descrpitive prose, But it doesn't go anywhere.
    You should of wrote more in my opinion to why/and how you ended up in such a place.
    about 3 fiddy.
    WHAT YOU GIVE HIM 3 FIDDY FOR?


  3. #3
    Senior Member Screamthoughts's Avatar
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    I'm with Aemaeth on this one as well. You did a good job on the description of the setting but as to why you where there ,I believe would have add a nice touch to it . But it is all a learning process when it comes to writing.
    I my self suck at spelling but passed descriptive writing with flying colors......don't know how,slept threw most of it. lol

    Life is short..live it to it's fullest!

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    Senior Member itsjustme's Avatar
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    For what he was asked to do by the teacher I think it's good. Would fit nicely into a complete story with a beginning and an end. Or use it as a beginning and back track with thoughts.

    Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending

  5. #5
    The Real Pink Rider BlueBleeder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hellsing293 View Post
    We had English class on Halloween and when we walked in we were asked to set the scene of a creepy/scary setting. Basically a Halloween setting.

    A sea of sheer darkness engulfed me entirely as I anxiously strode the desolate dirt trail. The comfort of a sole source of light I was unafforded. I could sense cold, lifeless eyes piercing me, dormant souls shadowing my steps. This place loomed of despair and sorrow. Blackened, twisting trees hung low overhead, skeletons of their former selves. They pleaded the journeyer recant his thoughts of entering and turn back immediately. Stone sentinels which foretold of death lined the path.

    A dense fog wetted the back of my neck like the breath of a hideous monster right behind me waiting to strike. My cold, silent breaths were the single signs of life I could detect. I was shivering, from cold or fear I do not know. Minute whispers of wind bit my skin. The dead grass, consumed by frost, crinkled and snapped under my cautious stride. The frozen ground I walked upon was hard and uninviting, not unlike anything else in this lifeless pit. Each second was an eternity, and each step an infinite universe apart. All my senses were irrelevant and nothing was apparent to me. My sole objective was to escape this wretched place.


    So, what do you think? Wrote this in about 15 minutes in English class.
    Are you in AP?

  6. #6
    I'm Back...Kinda hellsing293's Avatar
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    No AP is offered but I'm in Honors.
    As long as darkness flows through my veins, I will never cease, As long as my dreams still haunt me, I will never show mercy, and as long as evil lives I will never die.....

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    The Real Pink Rider BlueBleeder's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by hellsing293 View Post
    No AP is offered but I'm in Honors.
    That sounds better...

  8. #8

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    The description is the better part.
    The grammar and context are well into place.
    I will be the first to give you professional critisism.
    Being a professional in writing, might I suggest...
    Change the veiw of the character, I, me, my, become repetitive in any story, and in most cases repel future readers.
    Give it a try, show one group your first work.
    Afterwords show another group the refurbished writ, ask them both of their oppinion.

  9. #9
    I'm Back...Kinda hellsing293's Avatar
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    So your saying I should make the narrative into a third person instead? I see how you say the I's, me's, my's can be repetitive. In my writing I ussually try not to use the same word too many times or if I do at least space the words apart. Thank you for your suggestions.

    My English teacher really annoys me when it comes to writing. She has no problem nick-picking every other word in your story and crossing it out/circling it but gives no explanation as to why and when I confront her she tells me to go away lol. Gets frustrating after a while.
    As long as darkness flows through my veins, I will never cease, As long as my dreams still haunt me, I will never show mercy, and as long as evil lives I will never die.....

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